


Scaling The Map

by orphan_account



Category: Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-30
Updated: 2016-06-30
Packaged: 2018-07-19 06:53:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7350451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Jace doesn’t take well to Simon getting attacked and Simon is a master of repression with a massive case of survivor’s guilt. </p><p>Or, after fight reconciliations aren’t usually supposed to go like this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Scaling The Map

"You are such a _hypocrite_." Simon struggles out of his jacket just to throw it on the floor. He flinches at the sound of Jace slamming the door shut behind them and turns around. "How could you do that?"  
Jace crosses his arms and it makes Simon want to pry them apart and tell him to just _say_ what they're holding inside.  
"You can't actually be expecting me to apologize for saving your damn life."

A disbelieving sound escapes Simon's mouth. "Save my life. Please." Jace raises his eyebrows in a challenge. "You did no such thing. If, if anything, you almost ruined everything we went out to do in the first place."  
"Simon," Jace clenches his jaw and flicks his eyes to the side, like Simon is the one being frustrating, "you were being attacked by three Raveners. At _once_. Should I just have left you there?"  
" _Yes_." Simon rakes a hand through his hair, breathing in through the nose to ignore his insides pulling together tightly. "That's kind of the point of my being a vampire. I got a chance at a second life and I can finally be useful."

Jace freezes, something shattering behind his eyes.

Oh.  
Oh no.

Well, shit.

Simon is surprised at their proximity. He had failed to realize how they had moved to stand closer together. His throat goes dry when it catches up to him.  
"I mean, uh," Thoughts racing to say something less... exposing, Simon presses his thumb down on his palm. "That's not-"  
"Simon." It sounds impatient. Simon's knuckles whiten and Jace narrows his eyes.  
"Oh," he says.

"Look," Simon starts and doesn't know how to continue. It's not like he can say what he's thinking. Save for Simon's jacket on the floor Jace's room is distractingly neat, nothing characteristic enough for Simon's eyes to latch onto. He likes it better when his backpack is thrown into the corner, when the sheets on the bed are still messed up and the sound of Jace hitting stuff Simon knows nothing about echoes through the room while he simultaneously complains about the volume of Simon's music.

There's a tingling sensation on his forearm. Jace's hand is moving up to his elbow.  
"Simon", he repeats, soft this time, in the tone that usually makes Simon go pliant. "You don't have to earn or prove anything."

 _Don't I_ , Simon wants to ask but it sounds to harsh even in his head and Jace's fingers are wandering up his arm.  
"I used to think I could take care of myself," he admits instead, "I really did. Even living in New York never used to scare me and then... I don't know, my best friend started getting chased by actual demons, and suddenly everyone was better prepared than me and then I got myself killed." Jace's jaw twitches. "And I clawed myself out of my own grave and suddenly I could throw people into vehicles and all I could think about was how it was my fault. I died out of my own stupidity, I left Clary alone and she brought me back and the least I could do-"

"The least _you could do?_ " When Jace rips away his hand the air seems cold on Simon's skin. "You died. You got dragged into the Shadow World and abducted by vampires. Going back there for answers when no one else would give you any wasn't stupid. It's not your fault that you died." Simon draws in a breath. His stomach is twisting and he doesn't dare look up. It's been six months. Six months. He should be over this by now.  
"Uh huh," he says.

"Are you listening to me?" Jace takes him by the shoulders, gives Simon no other choice than to look at him. His memories of Jace at his grave are hazy. He remembers Clary with startling clarity, remembers her moving towards him, always unafraid. He remembers Raphael with bitterness stuck between his teeth. He remembers Jace's arms around Clary's waist, holding her back because he knew, he knew exactly what Simon had become as soon as he broke the earth's surface. "It's not your fault that you died, Simon."

Simon closes his eyes.  
There is a hand sliding up his neck, another sliding down his side. Jace doesn't hug him often, not as a method of comfort, he prefers other forms of contact when Simon needs it. Simon knows it's a them thing, that Jace hugs Clary and Alec and Izzy more than him and he doesn't really know what it's about, but it doesn't bother him.

That doesn't mean he doesn't revel in the hugs he does get, though, Jace's arm around his waist and his shoulder right there for Simon to bury his face in. The hair on the back of his neck is standing up where Jace's hand is holding onto him, the fingerless glove hard in contrast to the softness of Jace's fingers.

"Wanna know what the worst thing is sometimes?" Jace says nothing but he angles his head, so his nose is bumping against Simon's temple. "Sometimes I catch myself liking it. The vampire thing, y'know. Not just the good stuff, but... all of it."  
"Mh," Jace says. He sounds dazed, but Simon knows it doesn't take much of Jace's focus to comprehend what he's saying.

Plus, Simon knows that Jace understands, from staying up til four thirty a.m. the first night he slept over at the Institute, from having to run down the corridor to get Izzy or Alec or _anyone_ to tell Jace all the right things the first few times he couldn't, and from the tones accompanying Jace's words every day. Jace knows what it's like to be afraid of himself.  
Simon tightens his hold on Jace's waist.

"I like being able to take care of myself." He hesitates, waiting for Jace to tense up. "I can take care of myself." Both their bodies move when Jace takes a step back and starts taking off his gloves. Simon swallows hard and sits down on the bed.  
"I mean, I don't know what your reaction was all about, but I'm not just a mere mortal anymore. I belong to the undead now." Jace has his back turned while he takes off his jacket. Simon hopes he's suppressing the tiniest of smiles. "I'm not even saying that I never need help. Just maybe back off the next time everyone yells at you not to do something."

While Jace slides off his shoes Simon fidgets with his hands, feeling awkward and stiff sitting with his back straight on the blanket. He's never felt like this in Jace's room. When Jace takes off his pants he folds them up and leaves them on the chair in the corner before he gets into the bed.

"I wouldn't count on it," he finally says. Simon turns to look at him just in time to see his eyebrows dance. "It's kind of my thing."

Simon looks at him.  
Jace's shoulders drop.  
He sighs. "Will you just come here?"

Simon's hands still. He crawls over the bed, dropping his shoes to the side as soon as he comes to sit on the pillow and wriggles out of his pants that still have demon slime on them. The trophies of demonic victories.

"Alright, look. I don't know what happened, okay?" Simon lifts up the blanket and slips his feet under the blanket, finding Jace's legs out of instinct and sinking between the pillows from where he can look up at Jace, who's still sitting upright and running his hand through his hair. "This kind of thing isn't _supposed_ to happen. Shadowhunters are taught to control their emotions, especially in combat." Especially Jace, Simon knows.

"But when you were there, fighting and struggling, and-" Jace is at a loss for words like most times when he confesses something that goes against his basic upbringing. He looks tired. That doesn't usually happen from a single demon hunt. "It made me feel like I do whenever Alec gets knocked down, or when Izzy takes a misstep, or when Clary launches herself into a portal head first with no idea what's waiting on the other side."

Simon scoots closer. "So you care about me. Hasn't that been kind of established in the last two months?" Jace looks down at him and there is bewilderment in his eyes. Low in Simon's gut there is a flare-up, familiar in the way it always comes whenever Jace shows the cracks in his ego so obviously.  
"It was different. There was something off about the feeling."  
"Ah," Simon nods. "I know what you mean." He rustles the sheets with his feet.

"It's just different, right? Not any more or less than what happens with your family and your friends?" Jace nods mutely. He's circling his fingers over Simon's chest, wandering up to his shoulders. "I definitely know what you mean."

"That's what romantic feelings are supposed to feel like. I think. I call them relationship feels." Jace scoffs and Simon tries his hardest not to show his relief. "Yeah, you know, because neither of us has has ever had them they're so new. I mean, you had that super creepy thing with Clary, I had the super awkward thing _for_ Clary, you were the ice cold slayer guy, I've been nursing my crush forever and used it as an excuse-"  
"Yes, I'm aware of your social shortcomings, Simon," Jace interrupts and Simon grins. "But do you actually have a point?"

"I do. The thing is, none of us ever had anything like _this_ before. Maureen told me relationships are supposed to feel different. That's what it is for me. It's more, well, more of an effect. Very different from Clary, which, to be honest, is a little relieving."

He looks up and finds Jace smiling, and isn't that the best thing he's seen all day.  
"You know," Jace says and lowers himself until he's just hovering over Simon, his heart skipping that subtle of a beat, "it's worrying how that made so much sense. I must be spending too much time with you."  
"Must be," Simon agrees and knocks out Jace's arm from under him.


End file.
